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Heart To Heart

Monday, May 22, 2017

Sores Around The Labia
We are married for four years. I periodically develop painful sores around my labia. They heal on treatment but reappear after some time. I am sure we are faithful to each other. My husband does not have any problem. My PAP smear test done twice was normal. What do I do?

Having ‘rough sex’ without much foreplay and lubrication can contribute to sores around the labia. It could also be a fungal infection, or more seriously, even a sexually transmitted infection (STI). The most probable STI is genital herpes due to Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV). This infection (HSV) affects 1 out of every 5 sexually active people (20%) and can go untreated for a long time because the sores can come and go away often making it easy to overlook. It can also be transmitted to a sexual partner without having any symptoms at all. This can answer why your husband does not have any symptoms. As this infection can go for years without being noticed or treated, a person can also get it from previous partners and not even know it. The best thing to do is to get tested specifically for this infection. A “PAP smear” will not detect this infection.. If you have already been tested for STDs including HSV recently and know that you don't have any, then it is most likely a fungal infection or just sores from rough sex without adequate lubrication as stated before. However, definitely consult your doctor at your earliest.

Sharing The Same Dream
I am a female of 24 yrs. I have been married for last six months. We had a great honeymoon. He loves me a lot even till date. But my problem is that I had a different picture of marriage… both of us living independently somewhere. Whereas we are now living together with his parents. No doubt my in-laws are very good & loving but still I'm not satisfied. Please tell me the way out of my depression.

It is your dream to have your own ‘Home Sweet Home’, but it is important to know whether the same dream is shared by the partner. You have not mentioned your partner’s wishes and the circumstances ( Is he very attached to his parents ?, Is he the only child of aging parents ?, Are both of you financially capable to afford a house of your own ? ). You say that there are no problems with your in-laws ~ that is a blessing! If you continue to brood and resent your pleasant circumstances, you will have only yourself to blame for creating unhappiness in yourself and in your relationships at home. The place where you are just now ( with your in-laws) can also be turned into a little heaven by developing a good rapport with your in-laws from your side. If and when the circumstances are conducive to have a place of your own, let it happen gracefully and let the shifting be pleasant. In the meantime, do all you can to make this your ‘Home Sweet Home’ and your room your little ‘love nest’.

Phantasms
I am married for eight months. I love my husband a lot. My husband has been talking about some ‘phantasms’ and he would like me to take part in the realization of some of them. I am puzzled. Do I have to accept?

The most important principle about human sexuality is: Never force one’s desires on another. According to this principle, you do not have to accept what your husband imposes or compels on you. On the other hand, if you feel that your participation in the realization of your husband’s phantasms will strengthen your mutual love and that this act does not particularly appear difficult, physically harmful or emotionally disturbing for you, then why refuse? If this act feels physically or psychologically distressing for you, then refuse because this can have a blocking effect on your sexuality and it can be harmful to your relationship and the love that you feel for your husband.

Care, Commitment and Communication
I am a married man of 45 yrs. me and my spouse are in the same field of media. We talk shop all 24 hrs as both are freelancers. We have a son of 10 yrs. No matter What I do, she is never happy. She finds me uninteresting and boring. Of course, she says I am very caring, protective and warm as a husband, but then, that dissatisfying element is there. I feel that I am missing that warmth in a woman, her caressing hands and that motherly attention. So I am searching for a relationship outside marriage, that is discreet and non disturbing to the present married life.. am I right in doing this or is there a solution? She doesn't much interact with my parents as the language problem exists. But then, I am Andhrite she is a Punjabi... she is career oriented and workaholic...What do I do? I am man and have my desires and urges too...!

The three elements of a fulfilling marriage are Care, Commitment and Communication. Caring for the genuine and reasonable needs of the other by both the partners and making active efforts for the fulfillment of those needs is indeed very important. Committing to solve any problems arising out of these unfulfilled needs within the marriage itself, and not seeking to go outside the marriage to fulfill these needs is the second important element. And finally the use of the master key of Communication to express those valid and reasonable needs to your partner clearly and maturely with the sole intention of working through the problem together to find a mutually fulfilling solution. Remember your partner is not a mind reader, so you must very clearly express your genuine needs. Communication between partners very often degenerates into a game of one-up-manship, blaming and attacking the self worth of the other. Care must be taken by both, to refrain from attacking the other through verbal punches, and both should genuinely strive for a win-win scenario through healthy communication. If both of you are unable to establish healthy communication with each other, then intervention by a good counsellor could help you establish the same by systematically training both of you in the art of genuine listening and constructive responding. There is no problem that cannot be solved if both partners, care for the other, are committed to solving it within the marriage and correctly communicate the same to each other.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties.
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Don’t give up a chance to turn an awkward situation into a profitable one. Be diplomatic with colleagues and try not giving your own views in front of others as you could send the wrong signals especially since you are delicately poised for progress. The success of youngsters will make you happy.
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