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Heart To Heart

Monday, May 29, 2017

Am I Frigid?
I am a 26-year-old married woman with one four-year-old daughter. My husband calls me “frigid” because I do not have as much sexual desire as him and I do not find the need to have intercourse as often as him. Am I really frigid?

The frequency of sexual desire varies from one person to the other.  It also varies in different situations, circumstances and at different stages of our life. It is found very often the sexual desires of husband and wife do not match with each other. You simply seem to have a lower libido than your husband. Such a disparity is common and normal. That has nothing to do with you being “frigid”. Your husband probably does not know the correct meaning of the term “frigidity”. Frigidity is a complete and continuous lack of sexual desire and pleasure which is not so in your case.

Inappropriate Option
I am 28 and my husband is 32. We are married for the last 3 yrs but are not able to have successful sex as my husband doesn't get enough erection for intercourse. I am very frustrated and desperate. I want a child, for this I think of having sex with my cousin. Please advice what can be the consequences of this with terms of my relation with my husband and getting infected with sexually transmitted disease?

I really wonder why having sex with your cousin has come up as a first option in solving your problem. Besides sexually transmitted diseases which you have correctly mentioned, there would be tremendous emotional repercussions if you were to indulge in such an act with your cousin. Is there more to your problem than not being able to have intercourse and conceive a child? If, like you say, inadequate erection is the only problem, then it can be easily rectified by a sex therapist. Waste no time. Consult a good sex therapist soon, and have a happy and satisfied life with your husband.

When Semen Flows Out
Everytime we have intercourse all the semen leaks out of my vagina. I have not been able to conceive because of this.

What is happening with you is normal. Semen is not expected to get absorbed inside the vagina. A very small quantity of semen enters the uterus, and that is enough for conception to take place. The rest of it has to come out of the vagina sooner or later.

Kindly have your husband’s semen examination done. An inadequate sperm count in semen may be the cause of your inability to conceive.

I Am Lost, Confused, & Hurt
My beau and me have been together for a year and a couple of months now. He was just recently locked up, got out, and now he's stuck in Houston, TX. The whole point is I just recently found this box full of letters, not completely full--but enough to give me the things I had discovered before. He’s been with another girl, for a year as well. Now it’s all new to me, besides the fact I had an idea already. Him and this other girl were together on Aug. 4th (their anniversary). I know this because I found this card where she said so. Anyway, I mean I am so confused because I told him I loved him, and sure enough I do, but I mean not only did I find things with this girl but another girl who was thought to be pregnant, by him. I am so lost, confused, & hurt. I don't know what I should do. Is there a way to mend our relationship...I mean can it turn out for the better....

‘Honesty’ and ‘genuineness’ is the hallmark of a good relationship. If he has not come clean on this other affair which was pretty serious from the way you put it, then don’t only walk out but run out of the relationship. You deserve much better. However, before you do that, you must convey to him in no uncertain terms, about how hurt you are feeling about the matter. It is necessary that you have an ‘emotional closure’ with him before you move on in your life. After doing that if you still feel stuck, then see a counsellor to work through your feelings.

Menopause and declining interest in sex
I am a 54-year-old man in good physical health and married happily for the last 28 years. I have a good sex drive and desire to have sex as often as I can with my wife who is 49-year-old. However, since the last few years, I find that my wife is not taking adequate interest in sex. After her menopause, she complains of dryness in her vagina, which makes it difficult to enjoy sex. Apart from this physical issue, I find that she doesn’t take any initiative in sex and avoids the same on some or the other pretext. As a result, we have sex only once in a fortnight whereas I desire sex at least twice a week.

Menopause is invariably wrongly blamed for declining interest in sex in women. The cause for lack of matching interest in sex in partners could be physical, psychological (emotional), situational or even out of a so-called religious (spiritual) belief. It is necessary to find out the cause of such sudden loss of interest in sex. Only after knowing the cause, therapy can be planned.

For your information a woman’s interest in sex depends on the following factors ~
Satisfaction: The level and frequency of satisfaction that she has experienced in her sexual life. If sex has been a one-sided activity by the man without bothering much about the needs of the woman, then over a period of time, she may lose interest in sex.

Foreplay: If foreplay is not done correctly and adequately, female partners do not feel aroused enough to have intercourse. Many husbands are impatient and want to go for intercourse after a short and hurried foreplay. Such repeated experiences of unsatisfactory sex gradually make the woman lose interest.

Integration of Love and Sex: A woman operates through her heart. Her sex-life is not separate from the rest of her life. She sees everything in her life as inter-related. As against this, man tends to compartmentalize. He can mentally put aside stressful aspects of his life and separate it from sex. A woman needs good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her husband treats her out of bed, greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, a rude tone, hurting words, and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, to feel enthusiastic & to be passionate during sex. It is important for a couple to be loving even when they are not in the sex act. Sexuality & affection cannot be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum of affection & closeness during the day.

Lack of Love: This lack of love cannot be blamed on only one partner. Love happens between two sensitive human beings. Both of you need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own or with the help of a good counsellor. Ask yourself what you can do to bring more depth into your relationship and make it more than sex  ~ a sharing of intimacy.

It will be better if both of you speak freely on this subject with each other and try to understand each other.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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