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Heart To Heart

Monday, January 22, 2018

Puberty and adolescence
We hear words such as ‘Adolescence’ and ‘Puberty’, in the context of sexual development of children. I am not very clear about the exact meaning of these words and the difference between the two. I also want to know what is the exact age group of these stages. Kindly explain.

Adolescence is the French word derived from ‘adolescere’ which means growing up.

Adolescence is simply a transition stage from childhood to adulthood. In other words it is the bridge between childhood and adulthood. The beginning of adolescence is known as Puberty. It is the time of life when sex glands become functional. Adolescence is the time of life between puberty and adulthood. Scientifically it is defined as a period of change, which everyone goes through from biological immaturity to maturity.

Adolescence is the age from 10 to 19 years. In girls it may begin as early as 9 or 10 years. In boys it starts around 12 or 13 years.

During adolescence there are rapid physical as well as psychological (emotional) changes. The physical changes precede psychological changes. We change from girls and boys into women and men.

One-sided relationship
I am 25. I fell madly in love with a girl for around 2 years but when I told her about my feelings, she said she likes someone else. I don’t know what to do?  I will do anything to get her. She keeps on running on my mind every day.

You can never find happiness in a one-sided relationship. Read the handwriting on the wall and let her go. Getting a job is a good idea, but besides that what you need to do is to remain open and continue to be socially accessible i.e. besides remaining in contact with girls in the area where you live or at work, you could take up some short courses like public speaking, personality development, also music or computer classes, theatre workshops etc. The point is to increase your social circle so that the right person has an opportunity to enter your life. (If nothing else, you will gain in knowledge, skills, creative satisfaction and lots of new friends).

I cannot share these feelings
I am doing my MBA. I started liking one girl from my institute. We both exchanged smiles and even went for a walk every Friday night. The way she conducted herself made me feel she liked me. Slowly we became very good friends. I started giving her small signals that I am interested. I don't know whether she got my signals or not.  But all of a sudden after her exams, she started to move around with another guy. Slowly their frequency of meeting increased. Few days ago I saw that girl going to that guy’s room at night. I went on the terrace and tried to snatch a view through the window. I was shocked...they were kissing each other.

Now I am heart broken...because I was expecting her to be mine. Now I cannot see her with that guy...I get extremely disappointed and jealous. I am trying to forget her.... but in vain. Even today when she appears before me.... she smiles the same way and even I have to respond...which I don't want to do. I want to convey what she has done to my feelings.

One more thing.... it’s not that I have lost her completely...even today we both go for a walk alone and share our thoughts. But I wanted to have good sexual relations with her, which I cannot have now. Please tell me what should I do. I am heart broken. I even cannot share this feeling with any of my friends. Do tell me how should I conduct myself with her.

You say that nothing was ever clearly spoken by either one of you about where your relationship with her was going. It is possible that she waited for you to speak up about your feelings, and when she saw that no clear and active attempt was being made from your side, she was open to other possibilities. On the other hand, it is also possible that she has always just seen you as a ‘good friend’ and herself did not want more from you.

In either case I believe you need an ‘emotional closure’ with her. You could talk to her about your feelings towards her on one of your walks. She will either respond positively or then clarify that she sees you as only as a friend. Either way, this act will clearly show you where you stand in this relationship, and then you can get on with your life.

It is however important that you emotionally prepare yourself for either answer. Ask yourself is life really so terrible if she is not in it?  On a scale of 0 to 100 of badness, how bad is living a life without her? Is it as bad as say, not having her plus losing your limbs in an accident plus losing your home in an earthquake? If you are honest with yourself, you will realize that though it will definitely be painful to adjust to a new ‘normal’ in your life without her, it is not the ‘end of your world’. Moreover, she has the freedom to choose how she wants to live her life. As far as coping with your life is concerned, take active effort to mingle socially. Remember that there is a meaningful and fulfilling life without her waiting for you out there, if only you will allow yourself to be open to it.

Matching blood groups before marriage
How important and medically relevant is it to match blood groups of the couple before getting married?

Blood group matching before marriage is given undue importance by some ill-informed people. It carries importance only to the point, that if ‘Rh factors’ of both the partners are not matching, it can be harmful for the second child of the couple. However if such incompatibility is known beforehand, precaution may be taken to avoid any harm to the second child. An injection of “Anti D Immunoglobulin” to the mother immediately after the birth of her first child (or first abortion) is all that is required to prevent any harm to the subsequent pregnancy.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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