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Heart To Heart

Monday, April 23, 2018

Sex on the very first night

Can I have sex on the very first night of my marriage? Will it be a good step?
90% of marriages in our country are still arranged marriages where there is no love between the partners to begin with. It is merely an arrangement done by two well-suited families to keep up a tradition. After such a marriage, man gets the legal & moral permission to have sex with his wife. A man with his body-oriented sexuality, who is starved for sex (as boys get sexually active around 14 years of age but get married much later) tends to get blinded towards his bride’s feelings & state of mind and ends up forcing sex on her on the first night. The woman, feeling rather awkward, uncomfortable & exploited, allows this humiliation as our orthodox teachings teach girls to be meek, submissive & tolerant.

The woman gets sexually aroused only if she loves the man, but here; he is giving her all the reasons to hate him. And this is how their married life begins. Instead of love a seed of hatred is sown. That is why we see so much pain, conflict & break-ups in marriages. I have seen many women, who have not felt loving towards their husband even once, even though they have borne children.

It is so necessary for a woman to love the man to get sexually attracted to him. Arranged marriages, the way they are planned & executed, lack the opportunity & atmosphere for love to happen, therefore we must provide for the couple to get well acquainted with each other before marriage.

Very often the couple is utterly exhausted at the end of an elaborate wedding ceremony. Both are strangers to each other. Both are ignorant or have misconceptions about the sexual experience. Men carry an anxiety about their sexual performance. Girls have the fear of pain & bleeding at the first intercourse. There is a fear of pregnancy. At the same time both feel that they have to live up to the first night fantasy as depicted in novels & movies. With so many uncertainties & anxieties, it becomes impossible for a couple to enjoy one of the most profound experiences of their life.

I strongly recommend youngsters to avoid sexual intercourse on the first night, particularly in arranged marriages. There is nothing wrong if the couple decides on their own to postpone their first sexual intercourse after the marriage till both of them are physically and emotionally relaxed, instead of rushing in to fulfil the common expectation of the first night (Suhaag Raat). They lose nothing, but they may gain a great deal of mutual love & respect, which can then become a foundation of a happy married life.

Growth of a beard or moustache

I am 20 years old man. I do not have a moustache and beard. I am very much disturbed about it. Am I abnormal?
Growth of a beard or moustache may be delayed in some men. If other secondary sexual characteristics have developed normally, such as growth of pubic hair and hair in the armpits, cracking of the voice or growth of the genitals, and if the body structure has developed like a ‘man’, there is absolutely no reason to worry. You may get your ‘Serum Testosterone’ level checked. If it is normal, do not worry. Growth of a beard and moustache also depends on your hereditary pattern and may be delayed as a variation of normal.

Fear of pregnancy
My girlfriend has tested her self that she wont be a mother for a lifetime according 2 various test she had done. Now we had sex for several times but I m sure that my sperms had not entered in her, if so do u think she will have a baby bcoz before marriage I don’t want to be in that trouble for her as well as me as I am going to n want to marry her, as the big problem is we are intercaste.. Plz suggest should we have sex or not, we have a clean n lovable relationship I love her very much.

I see that passions are running high. Your only fear seems to be the fear of pregnancy. I cannot opine on the physical status of your girlfriend’s ability or inability to conceive, as that is for a gynaecologist to opine , that too after several rigorous tests. You mention that you do not want to get into ‘trouble’. Let me clarify that pregnancy is not the only trouble that one can get into with unprotected sex. Have you heard of sexually transmitted diseases ? It is a very real threat. Therefore, if and when you do have sex , it definitely must be protected. Also, ‘trouble’ is not confined to the body. What about the mind ? The sexual act is not only physical but also emotionally charged. You say that it is an intercaste affair. Have you considered that if for some reason both of you do not marry, the physical intimacy will give rise to troubling emotions too ? Having said all that, it is for you and your girfriend to choose what you’ll want to do.

Dreamy romantic state
I’m in love. But she doesn’t love me. She likes me a lot. She tries a lot to tempt me lot and often I lose control and forcefully kiss her. She then remains angry with me for few days & after a lot of requests & pardon she forgives me. Again she repeats the same and provokes me to force her, I caress her body. She surrenders rather slapping me. I’m confused, what is she expecting from me. I cannot think of any other girl than her. Also I wont be marrying anyone else in my life. Please guide me, cause I don’t want to continue with the same. I love her a lot and don't want to force her for anything. Please suggest me few tips so that I can find it out whether she loves me or not.., if not why?....

Everyone wants to feel attractive, and this is the reason why the girl in question is turning on her charm. The problem is only that you seem to be getting a whole lot more serious about a relationship with her than she is with you. The only way for you to save yourself from this torture, is for you to keep to yourself for a while after telling her that you are interested in going on with her only if she feels the same way about you, and that she will have to make the first move for you to be sure. Then wait and watch. If she makes the first move, have a heart to heart talk about the relationship and where both of you see it going before getting into it again. If she does not make a move, then get out of your dreamy romantic state and move on with life for your own sake. This is definitely not the end of the world.

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