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Heart To Heart

Monday, June 25, 2018

Pretending orgasm
When I don’t experience an orgasm during a sexual intercourse with my husband, should I tell him or should I pretend an orgasm? Is there a way to ensure climaxing for myself?

It is absolutely not advisable to simulate or pretend an orgasm, but you should explain to your husband that you are OK with not climaxing once in a while as long as there is emotional intimacy. If you find it difficult to orgasm more often, then may be you need to explore different ways of foreplay and communicate to your husband about what pleasures you. With a satisfying and extended foreplay, it might be easier for you to experience orgasm. Moreover, adopting the female superior (woman-on-top) position also increases your chances of experiencing an orgasm. If none of these measures work, take a professional opinion to rule out any physiological causes.

Double dilemma
I am 21-year-old student. Two of my very good friends, both boys, have proposed me. I like both of them very much... I care for them..., but I don't love them ‘romantically’. I don't want both of them to get hurt; but I also don't want to get hurt myself. What should I do? I am confused.

Open and honest communication is always the best way. Let both your friends know in no unclear terms, how much you value their friendship, but cannot reciprocate their feelings. I repeat, speak in very clear terms so that neither one of them continues to hope. This is definitely not going to be a pleasant experience for them, but nevertheless necessary. If they are mature, they will not hold your refusal against you. However, since from their side there has been a substantial emotional investment, it could take time for them to get over it. As far as you losing them as friends is concerned, I think it comes second. The choice should be theirs. If they feel they can re-establish just a friendship with you and be okay with it, that’s fine, but if they find it difficult to do the same, it would be cruel to insist that they be just friends with you for your comfort. Also, to avoid a repetition of similar incidents in your life, do introspect and see whether there is anything in your behaviour with boys that could lead them to believe that you are interested in them romantically.

Duration of intercourse
I am a 27-year-old man. I will be getting married soon. My friends have been giving all mixed information to me. I want to know, for an average male, how long should a sexual intercourse last to satisfy the female partner?

It is a matter of mutual “satisfaction”. Only you and your partner can determine this. Knowing about others and trying to find out about the “average”, will only give you an ‘unnecessary’ complex. Moreover, often, men tend to exaggerate their claims of going on for a long time, thus leading to complexes in others. This complex will be detrimental to your sexual performance and to your relationship. Therefore, relax and enjoy your very own ‘normal’ duration with your partner.

Holiday romance
I was in Europe on a holiday trip and I came to know a girl during my trip. We had some nice time talking about various subjects and started knowing each other quite well. But as always after the trip was over we had to go back to our respective cities. I had her cell phone number and wrote an SMS and called her on her mailbox. But unfortunately she did not reply me back. I started liking her and now I am little upset. Please suggest what I should do?

Holiday romances rarely have Hollywood endings. In this case it seems more like a one-sided romance. She quite clearly wants you to just be a friend in passing. Anyway, long-distance relationships, even if two-sided, usually fizzle out after a while, because there maybe more dynamic relationships available around.WeI would say, it’s high time you get back from your European rendezvous and get ready to welcome that lovely ‘someone’ into your life. Of course that will only happen if you are fully ‘here and now’ instead of ‘there and then’. Come on, enter the ‘real world’!!

Sudden withdrawal
I’m 32 and was averse to relationships & marriage until I fell in love for the 1st time 1 and 1/2 yrs ago. Both the families happily agreed and we’ve been going around normally. Suddenly my man seems to have stopped all contacts with me for over 1 month. This has brought tremendous tensions in both families. But despite all my attempts to contact him by mail or phone, he’s not responding. His parents speak to me regularly but I’m in deep agony and cannot accept that there’s suddenly no love left between us. Pls advice and help asap.

Since we do not know much about this man in your life, we can only hazard a guess as to why he is behaving in this way. He is either in another more fulfilling relationship, or is facing a crisis of some kind (internal or external), or has a fear of intimacy or fear of commitment, or then has been repulsed by some behaviour on your part which you are unaware of and which he has left unexpressed. In either case, you deserve to know the reason, so that both of you can either work to resolve it or then gracefully part ways. He seems to be either scared of facing you for fear of your reaction or then he just does not know how to go about it. It is important that you somehow get a message through to him which clearly states that you need to know the reason for his withdrawal and that he owes an explanation to you. Also state that you are ready for the relationship to go either way, because you would anyway never be fulfilled if it was one-sided. Let him know that he need not fear an over-reaction on your part , and that if he so wanted you would be more than willing to work through any problem with him or then mutually agree to part ways. This message would serve to relax him if he is avoiding communication only out of fear and anxiety. If he does not respond to this message, then get a hold of yourself and move on. You deserve better!

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Heart To Heart
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Today, you will turn an attentive ear to your inner voice. As a result, you will able to execute all your plans with precision. Besides being cheerful, you will even take disappointments with a pinch of salt. Why just today, says Ganesha, you can have this rare quality for keeps.
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