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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 20, 2018

Sharing the same dream
I am a female of 24 yrs. I have been married for last six months. We had a great honeymoon. He loves me a lot even till date. But my problem is that I had a different picture of marriage… both of us living independently somewhere. Whereas we are now living together with his parents. No doubt my in-laws are very good & loving but still I'm not satisfied. Please tell me the way out of my depression.

It is your dream to have your own ‘Home Sweet Home’, but it is important to know whether the same dream is shared by the partner. You have not mentioned your partner’s wishes and the circumstances ( Is he very attached to his parents ?, Is he the only child of aging parents ?, Are both of you financially capable to afford a house of your own ? ). You say that there are no problems with your in-laws ~ that is a blessing! If you continue to brood and resent your pleasant circumstances, you will have only yourself to blame for creating unhappiness in yourself and in your relationships at home. The place where you are just now ( with your in-laws) can also be turned into a little heaven by developing a good rapport with your in-laws from your side. If and when the circumstances are conducive to have a place of your own, let it happen gracefully and let the shifting be pleasant. In the meantime, do all you can to make this your ‘Home Sweet Home’ and your room your little ‘love nest’.

Care, commitment and communication
I am a married man of 45 yrs. me and my spouse are in the same field of media. We talk shop all 24 hrs as both are freelancers. We have a son of 10 yrs. No matter What I do, she is never happy. She finds me uninteresting and boring. Of course, she says I am very caring, protective and warm as a husband, but then, that dissatisfying element is there. I feel that I am missing that warmth in a woman, her caressing hands and that motherly attention. So I am searching for a relationship outside marriage, that is discreet and non disturbing to the present married life.. am I right in doing this or is there a solution? She doesn't much interact with my parents as the language problem exists. But then, I am Andhrite she is a Punjabi... she is career oriented and workaholic...What do I do? I am man and have my desires and urges too...!

The three elements of a fulfilling marriage are Care, Commitment and Communication. Caring for the genuine and reasonable needs of the other by both the partners and making active efforts for the fulfillment of those needs is indeed very important. Committing to solve any problems arising out of these unfulfilled needs within the marriage itself, and not seeking to go outside the marriage to fulfill these needs is the second important element. And finally the use of the master key of Communication to express those valid and reasonable needs to your partner clearly and maturely with the sole intention of working through the problem together to find a mutually fulfilling solution. Remember your partner is not a mind reader, so you must very clearly express your genuine needs. Communication between partners very often degenerates into a game of one-up-manship, blaming and attacking the self worth of the other. Care must be taken by both, to refrain from attacking the other through verbal punches, and both should genuinely strive for a win-win scenario through healthy communication. If both of you are unable to establish healthy communication with each other, then intervention by a good counsellor could help you establish the same by systematically training both of you in the art of genuine listening and constructive responding. There is no problem that cannot be solved if both partners, care for the other, are committed to solving it within the marriage and correctly communicate the same to each other.

Inappropriate option
I am 28 and my husband is 32. We are married for the last 3 yrs but are not able to have successful sex as my husband doesn't get enough erection for intercourse. I am very frustrated and desperate. I want a child, for this I think of having sex with my cousin. Please advice what can be the consequences of this with terms of my relation with my husband and getting infected with sexually transmitted disease?

I really wonder why having sex with your cousin has come up as a first option in solving your problem. Besides sexually transmitted diseases which you have correctly mentioned, there would be tremendous emotional repercussions if you were to indulge in such an act with your cousin. Is there more to your problem than not being able to have intercourse and conceive a child? If, like you say, inadequate erection is the only problem, then it can be easily rectified by a sex therapist. Waste no time. Consult a good sex therapist soon, and have a happy and satisfied life with your husband.

I am lost, confused and hurt
My beau and me have been together for a year and a couple of months now. He was just recently locked up, got out, and now he's stuck in Houston, TX. The whole point is I just recently found this box full of letters, not completely full--but enough to give me the things I had discovered before. He’s been with another girl, for a year as well. Now its all new to me, besides the fact I had an idea already. Him and this other girl were together on Aug. 4th (their anniversary). I know this because I found this card where she said so. Anyway, I mean I am so confused because I told him I Loved Him, and sure enough I do, but I mean not only did I find things with this girl but another girl who was thought to be pregnant, by HIM. I AM SO LOST, CONFUSED, & HURT. I don't know what I should do. Is there a way to mend our relationship...I mean can it turn out for the better....

‘Honesty’ and ‘genuineness’ is the hallmark of a good relationship. If he has not come clean on this other affair which was pretty serious from the way you put it, then don’t only walk out but run out of the relationship. You deserve much better. However, before you do that, you must convey to him in no uncertain terms, about how hurt you are feeling about the matter. It is necessary that you have an ‘emotional closure’ with him before you move on in your life. After doing that if you still feel stuck, then see a counsellor to work through your feelings.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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