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Heart To Heart

Monday, January 01, 2018

Awareness of death
I am very depressed after my elder brother died few months ago. Every body is telling me that I will also die within five years. What to do?

The smart guys who are predicting your death seem to be the descendants of Nostradamus!! Maybe they could help me to make big money at the stock market !!

By the way, the reality of death puts life into perspective. Death in some way gives meaning to life. Perhaps it is only those (like you) who understand just how fragile life is who know how precious it is. Death opens our eyes to what we are doing with our lives. Death shakes you from your deep slumber, opens your eyes to reality, and thus is nothing but a wake-up call.

This means that man must become aware of his potentialities, his responsibilities, his values, his choices and also become able to act on their basis. How would we spend today if we knew that our life was going to end tomorrow? This reminds me of a song, "Where is the time to hate when there is so little time to love? "

Petty quarrels, long drawn out conflicts and resentments, ego clashes, suddenly they all seem so futile and a complete waste of the precious gift of life.

What is life really all about? To live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy i.e. to leave the world a little more beautiful, a little more fragrant than you found it.

Awareness of death makes one go about quickly accomplishing the purpose for which one was put in this world. Every person must find out and clearly define to himself what his role in life is. And the most important aspect of this role is, to forgive and love one another, to help one another in times of need, to bask in the glory of life, being grateful for every breath and using it in an optimum manner, and furthermore, to connect to our higher selves and help others connect to their higher selves and fulfill their purpose in life. Death provokes us to live the best life possible today, and therefore death is truly a friend and not a foe. So let the reality of death provoke you to live your best life today. Get an ‘emotional closure’ in your relationships, ask and give forgiveness to all, move towards fulfilling your unique purpose in life, and if you do that there will be no regrets when the curtain falls.

If your perspective towards death still remains unchanged, do see a counsellor.

Non-consummation of marriage

I am 21 years old married woman. I have been married for last eight months. Till now I have not allowed my husband (Age 26) to have an intercourse with me, as I am too scared about it. We do make love but not intercourse.  Is there anything that can make this easier for me?
What is happening with you is either due to “Vaginismus” or due to “Penetration Phobia”. Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscle controlling the entrance to the vagina during attempts of penetration that invariably causes pain and discomfort. Penetration phobia is usually a psychological phenomenon. Its cause is invariably a deep rooted psychological fear related to the genitals, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of life or as a learned fear caused by hearing myths about painful penetration during the vulnerable and impressionable growing years. You may or may not be consciously aware of the root cause. Once the root cause is identified through psychoanalysis, the treatment progresses rapidly. No medication can help in this situation. A sex therapist trained in counselling and psychotherapy is better equipped to help you.

Risky form of contraception
I am married for the past 5 months. since we both are professionals we plan not to have any child for at least next 1.5 to 2 yrs, but we will welcome if it comes in as we love children. We had been taking all precautions till now (using condom), but at times would like to have without it. Can you suggest what is the safe time between periods where we can make love without precautions. I know it is not foolproof but never mind. Would like to know the days which is considered to be safe between the two periods which my wife has. She is having normal duration periods.

There is absolutely no safe period to have unprotected sex if you wish to avoid pregnancy. Attempting to estimate when a woman is least fertile is a risky form of contraception.

Ovulation happens around 14 days before the first day of the next expected date of MC. About five days before and after this day of ovulation, including the day of ovulation are the days when there is a possibility of pregnancy, making them ‘unsafe’. Rest all the days are supposed to be safe from the conception point of view.

Safe periods are not very safe, as they are calculated with the presumption that the MC periods are ‘regular’ (30 days). It is very common for periods to go irregular most unexpectedly due to various physiological as well as psychological causes. In that case the calculation of safe period can go wrong, making it ‘unsafe’.

Painful abrasions after sex
We are married for two years. Whenever we have sexual intercourse I get small but painful abrasions on my organ. My wife too complains of burning of her vagina after intercourse. What should we do to avoid this happening.

Lack of ‘adequate’ lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause abrasions or even cuts.  Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least twenty minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate.

Good foreplay is one, when both the partners are ‘more than willing’ and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

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Heart To Heart
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Today is just another busy day. You may remain hassled sorting out problems at office and then at home. Your bosses may allow you certain concessions and this will ease things to some extent. Ganesha says you will gain valuable guidance from elderly people.
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