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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 06, 2018

Painful sex after hysterectomy
I have enjoyed sex for 14 years. But in 1992 my wife underwent hysterectomy operation after which we cannot enjoy sex. Because if my penis penetrates even one inch she gets unbearable pain. We have also shown to a gynaecologist who had given her hormone tablets (premarin) and some gel to be applied (KY jelly). The tablets were taken for nearly 4 years but all in vain nothing happened. Till date she gets unbearable pain and so we do not enjoy sex. My penis cannot penetrate even one inch. Under the above circumstances I would request you to give us some advice so that both of us can enjoy sex.

There are several possible causes of such a pain during penetration. She may not be adequately lubricated or wet, her pelvic muscles may be too tight or constricted, or then she might have an injury or an infection involving her vulva or vagina. This pain may or may not have anything to do with the hysterectomy surgery.
I strongly recommend that until you find the cause of this pain you do not have intercourse again. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things will only get worse. What is a superficial physical problem will then become a deeper psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. She definitely needs to see a gynaecologist for a thorough physical examination.

She has no interest in me
I am a 28-year-old man who recently got married to a girl of my parents’ choice. We stay in a joint family. Three months have passed and we still haven't consummated our marriage because my wife says she was married against her wish and has no interest in me. She says that as soon as her lover comes back from abroad, she will walk out of my life. This has put me in a dilemma because my parents think all is fine between us and my mother will not be able to deal with such a blow when it happens since she's a heart patient. I have tried to reason with my wife but she is an stubborn woman and refuses to change her stance.

It is obvious that your wife has made up her mind, and therefore, working towards convincing her would be a waste of time and effort on your part. You also seem to have accepted that your wife is not your wife in the truest sense of the word, but are worried about your mother’s reaction. It is therefore best, that you gradually start preparing your mother’s mind by mentioning about the ‘non-consummation’ casually and vaguely without revealing any other details. You could visit a counsellor with your wife and explain the reasons that both of you want out of this marriage, and engage the help of the counsellor in helping your mother accept the same healthily. You can mention this visit to the counsellor to your mother after a few days, and also mention that you do not believe that the relationship can work out, and that you will be happier opting out of it. At this point you can mention to her that the marriage could be annulled on the grounds of non-consummation. Also explain that an annulment is like not being married at all, and therefore, you will not have the tag of being a ‘divorcee’, and can have a more fulfilling and happier marriage with someone else. While sharing all this, keep her cardiologist informed about the fact that she could be experiencing some additional stress so that he can monitor her physical well-being. Then take her to the same counsellor so that she can ventilate her thoughts and feelings freely. This sharing will de-stress her. The counsellor can also address all her concerns about the present and future, put her mind at rest about various issues regarding the annulment, and help her accept the inevitable outcome of your marriage more healthily and gracefully. It goes without saying that you need to meet a family court lawyer, to go ahead with annulment proceedings, where both of you acknowledge the non-consummation and mutually consent to the annulment.

Performance anxiety
I am 24 and am getting married next month. I am worried about one thing – Will I be able to satisfy my wife? I am told that the first impression is the last impression.
You seem to be experiencing a classical “performance anxiety” that many men experience before marriage.

Remember, it is not necessary to have sexual intercourse on the very first night. Sex is not the first and the only thing on a woman’s mind. A woman looks forward to first understand and love her husband before she is ready for sexual intercourse. The success of a marriage depends on the love and understanding between partners and not on the first sexual performance.

Let her first impression of you be one of a gentle, caring and friendly person rather than one of an impatient and anxious partner.

Everyone experiences some level of ‘performance anxiety’ in the first few attempts. However, later on it diminishes. In the correct circumstances and in a relaxed environment, with an equally involved & responsive partner, you will be able to perform sexual intercourse.  

Sores around the labia
We are married for four years. I periodically develop painful sores around my labia. They heal on treatment but reappear after some time. I am sure we are faithful to each other. My husband does not have any problem. My PAP smear test done twice was normal. What do I do?

Having ‘rough sex’ without much foreplay and lubrication can contribute to sores around the labia. It could also be a fungal infection, or more seriously, even a sexually transmitted infection (STI). The most probable STI is genital herpes due to Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV). This infection (HSV) affects 1 out of every 5 sexually active people (20%) and can go untreated for a long time because the sores can come and go away often making it easy to overlook. It can also be transmitted to a sexual partner without having any symptoms at all. This can answer why your husband does not have any symptoms. As this infection can go for years without being noticed or treated, a person can also get it from previous partners and not even know it. The best thing to do is to get tested specifically for this infection. A “PAP smear” will not detect this infection.. If you have already been tested for STDs including HSV recently and know that you don't have any, then it is most likely a fungal infection or just sores from rough sex without adequate lubrication as stated before. However, definitely consult your doctor at your earliest.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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