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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 03, 2018

Working ‘Mom’
I am working in a private company. A colleague of mine (23-year-old married woman) at bank leaves behind her two-month-old son at home and comes to office, as she needs this job very badly. At times in the office, her milk oozes out from her breasts inadvertently and puts her and everyone around in a very awkward situation. Is there some special absorbing accessory available to take care of this problem? I want to help her. Kindly guide.

Yes, there are absorbent pads available which can be fitted inside the bra. She could also use a device which pumps out the milk into a bottle which can then be refrigerated and used by the baby later. Your friend could enquire for the pads and the pumping device at an outlet which sells maternity material, or then her gynecologist and obstetrician could guide her as to where she can get it.

Best time for sex
My wife and myself are both working. At the end of the day we are both exhausted and left with little or no energy to make love. What can we do to improve our sex life?

At the outset, let me say that it is not necessary to have sex only at night. In fact after a whole day’s work one may want to only retire and sleep. Much energy is used during the daytime in working, travelling etc. Therefore there may not be enough energy left by the time you go to bed. Sex needs a lot of energy, enthusiasm and interest. So what is happening with both of you is natural and physiological. The best time in your case would be to have sex early in the morning. After a good night’s sleep, when your body-mind has rested well and you are rejuvenated, you can enter into the sexual act with great vigor and passion. It may have probably never occurred to you to make love in the early hours of the morning. I have known many couples who prefer to make love on waking up in the morning. I would also like to add that it is not the quantity but the "quality" of love making that matters. You could also take short holidays or weekend breaks to be with each other.

Solution or a problem?!?!
I am 30 and my husband is 31. We are married for the last 3 yrs but are not able to have successful sex as my husband doesn't get enough erection for intercourse. I am very frustrated and desperate. I want a child, for this I think of having sex with my cousin. Please advice what can be the consequences of this with terms of my relation with my husband and getting infected with sexually transmitted disease?

I really wonder why having sex with your cousin has come up as a first option in solving your problem. Besides sexually transmitted diseases which you have correctly mentioned, there would be tremendous emotional repercussions if you were to indulge in such an act with your cousin. Is there more to your problem than not being able to have intercourse and conceive a child? If, like you say, inadequate erection is the only problem, then it can be easily rectified by a sex therapist. Waste no time. Consult a good sex therapist soon, and have a happy and satisfied life with your husband.

Frequency of sex
What is the correct and healthy frequency of sexual activity between couples?

The frequency of your sexual activity mainly depends on at which stage your relationship is currently. When a person is just falling in love, the intimacy is at its peak, and so is the excitement. You just cannot get enough of each other! That is the passionate, mad phase, which is also called as “lust and limerance”. This phase lasts for the initial few months. Then it simmers down and one moves into ‘compassionate love’. It is not as exciting but more meaningful, tender, comfortable and fulfilling. That is the way it is going to be except that there will be some flashes of the old passion occasionally.

Couples who experience differences in their desire levels require to develop good communication skills so that they both feel free to express their feelings without hesitation and fear that they will be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Also you need to be open to the sexual cues of your partner, as well as being able to indicate “not today” without it being seen as a put-down, refusal or rejection.

Distasteful demand
I am a 25-year-old girl in love with a 28-year-old guy. I met him only few times and he asked me to share everything with him when we met for the fourth time. I didn't want to hurt him so I agreed. He kissed me all over but we did not have sex. He asks me to put his penis in my mouth and suck it. I found his demand distasteful. I also felt very uncomfortable doing that. Is it harmful to do so, because I swallowed the semen on some occasions. Now I am saying no to all that and I think he doesn't need me anymore but otherwise he is a very good person. He says he wants to share everything with his girlfriend. What should I do? However hard I try I am not able to do that with him. Should I avoid him or should I live up to his expectations. Please help me. I am very much confused.

Intimacy should be shared with mutual consent and for mutual pleasure. If you are asked to engage in an act which is distasteful, you ‘must’ be assertive and ‘refuse’. If he cares for you he will understand and respect your wishes. But, if you feel that you are being ‘emotionally blackmailed’ and pressured, and if there is coercion of any kind, then you are in a ‘bad’ relationship. Get out of it, and soon. A person who does not care to respect you, is most definitely not for you.

By its very nature, oral sex (fellatio) is an unnatural act. Nature has not given us any neuroreceptors, capable of enjoying sexual contact, in our mouth. It is understandable if the male partner enjoys it, as his organ (penis) which is sensitive to sexual stimulation is involved in the act. However, for a female partner who does not have receptors sensitive to sexual stimulation in her oral cavity, it is natural to have no interest in this act. It needs to be remembered that the male sex organ is also his “excretory” organ. It is not very hygienic always and pleasant to have an excretory organ in the mouth. Many books on sexology justify this act, however it is always mentioned in these books that such an activity is fine only when both the partners willingly consent to it, and when utmost hygiene is observed. It is their personal choice to indulge into any act they enjoy; however it cannot be justified if any such act is compelled by one partner on the other.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am in a fix. I have been happily married for 4
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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