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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, February 05, 2019

Monogamy vs polygamy
Why do women like to have physical relationship with more then one man? It puzzles me. Please explain.

You have generalized all women. It is not so in the case of all women. In fact, ‘one man woman’ describes most women. But yes, there are many exceptions, which is so in the case of men too. You will find men who are staunchly monogamous, and also men for whom polygamy is a way of life.

The difference lies in whether the woman/man is ‘heart-oriented’ or ‘body oriented’.  A heart-oriented person feels the need to have a heart-connection with one partner, with whom he/she grows in love. Such a connection pre-supposes sexual exclusivity as the heart-oriented person commits his/her self completely to growing together in one relationship.

On the other hand, the body-oriented person seeks a relationship merely for one’s own pleasure. And the thing about self-pleasure is that there is no satiation point. The more you have, the more you want.

We are all at different levels of evolution. The animal instinct or the auto-sexual urge  keeps us  at the self-pleasuring level. But as we grow and evolve and live our higher  human instincts, we find in us the capacity to extend beyond ourselves in love for the other. That is the human instinct or hetero-sexual urge which wants to give to someone other than yourself.

I hope this sufficiently answers your query.

She requires more time to recover
My wife had an unfortunate abortion of around 4 to 6 weeks pregnancy. We were having sex and my condom slipped because of which she got pregnant. As we both were not ready for child at this time,  she underwent abortion. Since then she has lost interest in any physical relation with me. Is there any cure for this problem? Is there any medicine available for females to increase sexual desire?

There are no medications to increase sexual desire in women. Your wife underwent the physical as well as psychological trauma in the process of getting pregnant when she was not ready and then getting the medical termination of pregnancy done. This has caused an apprehension in her about sex. She probably requires some more time to recover from the trauma. Have some patience! Give her some more time to come to terms with the traumatic experience that she has gone through. Be gentle and loving towards her. It will help her to recover faster and become ready for physical intimacy again.

Career or family
I am 25 year old and working in the Govt sector. Before joining this job I was preparing for civil services exams, but my parents forced me to join this job, which is too inferior to civil service. I tried to make them understand  but all in vain. Since then, I am experiencing changes in my behavior. I get angry very soon and feel alone in the world. Sometimes, a normal conversation irritates me. I can't concentrate io my studies, which is creating depression. Now, gals and sex attracted me a lot. Are these the symptoms of any disease?

You are 25 years old and have a moral and legal right to your own decisions. Of course this also means that you accept and are responsible for all the repercussions that emerge from your decision ~ whether the repercussions come in the form of displeasure of family, doing without the income your present job brings etc.

What you are describing about yourself is an emotional disturbance arising out of an inner conflict. On one hand you want to follow your dream of being in the civil service by whole-heartedly preparing for the exams, but this is not backed by your family. On the other hand, you please your family by taking this job against your wishes, and you are unable to focus on your studies which will ultimately lead you to fulfill your dream. This is a decision which only you can and should make. First, realistically assess your interest and aptitude. Then ask yourself where you will find true fulfillment. Finally follow your heart with determination. If you do this then your depressive feelings should soon pass.

If you still find yourself feeling low and unable to focus on your studies, there maybe other aspects to your problem. See a counsellor for a few sessions to get to the bottom of the matter.

By the way, your attraction for the opposite sex is perfectly normal for your age. Do not relate it to your problem.

Accidental exposure to sex
How to handle the situation when your child barges into your bedroom when you are having intercourse?

To prevent something like this from happening, I recommend you to lock your bedroom door every time you are going to engage in any type of love play. But if such a situation occurs, it would be most appropriate first to ask the child to leave the room gently yet firmly. Then, when you get yourselves decent and presentable, you could go out and have a talk with the child. You could explain that what the two of you were doing was loving each other sexually - a time of pleasure for a loving married couple. But it is private, so it made you uncomfortable. Allow the child to talk about his/her feelings and ask any questions he/she might have. If this type of accidental exposure is handled with care and openness, damage is not likely to result.

Extending yourself beyond yourself
I have been married for five years and we enjoy a very healthy relationship. The problem is that I like to talk about other sexy girls whom I know with my wife when we are having sex. It helps me to get excited and aroused. However she gets very upset with this. How do we take care of it?

I am surprised at the tone of your question. You sound as if you are justifying your actions. Let me say at the outset that it is not okay for you to indulge in either talking about other girls with your wife during sex with your wife.

You may have to see a psychotherapist to help you transcend this very ‘orgy-like’  pornographic need to talk about other girls during sex with your wife. You have no idea what your actions are doing to her self-esteem. You say she gets very upset, but it does not seem to have made much of a difference to you, has it? Caring for your partner’s reasonable needs and feelings is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and in your case, your wife has very valid and reasonable emotional needs which unfortunately you are not fulfilling. Go beyond yourself and your ‘I’-centred way of life and think of your partner for a change. What does she need? How does she feel? What does she like? What can you do for her to make her feel special in your life? Extending yourself beyond yourself is very rewarding. Try it.

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