Anxiety about impotence
I refrain from making sexual overtures with my partner because I fear that I will not be able to have an erection. This is affecting the relationship adversely. Please help me.
Anxiety about impotence ranks first in order of prevalence, in all the sexual fears that men have. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence. In 90 per cent cases of impotencies, the cause is stemming from the mind (psychogenic). It is only in 10 per cent cases that the cause is biological.
Just as it is not possible to make saliva, tears and digestive juices flow, similarly there is no possible way a man can ‘will’ himself to have an erection. These things happen on their own in response to situations and circumstances. If one involves oneself in ‘relaxed’ foreplay, without ‘spectatoring’ at the organ (waiting for the erection to happen), the erection happens on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get an erection is a fundamental anxiety – the fear of being rejected. The partner’s patient understanding and co-operation plays a very important role in getting over such psychogenic impotence.
Hubby has cheated me
I am a 28-year-old married woman and seven months pregnant. Ours was an arranged marriage. My husband works abroad and comes down four times a year for a couple of weeks. Two weeks back he confessed to having an affair with a woman who stays in the same country where he works and that she is also pregnant with his child. Needless to say I was shattered and more so when he said she was going to keep the child although he ended the affair a few days back. However the thought that my partner cheated on me and will have another child growing up somewhere is causing me much grief. I don’t know if I should leave my husband or not.
Whether you should leave your husband or not has to be your choice, because it is your life, and it is only you who can decide what course of action will give you ‘relatively’ more happiness. Do note that I have used the word ‘relatively’, which recognises and acknowledges that no decision of yours is going to result in an ideal outcome, and there are no perfect solutions to life’s problems, in spite of what an immature mind wants to believe. Sometimes the choice is between an unpleasant, a more unpleasant or a less unpleasant choice, with the word ‘unpleasant’ remaining common. Therefore, weigh the pros and cons of your various options carefully and meticulously, and think of the short-term and long-term possible consequences before arriving at any decision, as all decisions have far-reaching consequences. I would also recommend that you insist that you and your husband engage in marriage counseling to evaluate the ‘real’ status of your relationship with each other, and also to help clarify fully, what provoked the beginning and the ending of his affair. Also, it is important to assess whether he plans to involve himself in the raising of the child with the other woman through finances or in other ways. After amassing all this data, you will be in a better position to do the pros and cons analysis, which will form the basis of your decision, which you will then live with. Remember, with every choice you are also choosing the consequences of that choice.
- Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27. Tel: 22184528 / 9821093902. Email: hthindia@gmail.com www.hearttoheartindia.net