Care, commitment and communication
I am a married man of 45 years. My spouse and me are in the same field of media. We talk shop all 24 hours as both are freelancers. We have a son aged 10. No matter what I do, she is never happy. She finds me uninteresting and boring. Of course, she says I am very caring, protective and warm as a husband, but then, that dissatisfying element is there. I feel that I am missing that warmth in a woman, her caressing hands and that motherly attention. So I am searching for a relationship outside marriage, that is discreet and non-disturbing to the present married life. Am I right in doing this or is there a solution? She doesn’t interact much with my parents as the language problem exists. But then, I am an Andhraite, she is a Punjabi... she is career-oriented and a workaholic... What do I do? I am a man and have my desires and urges too...!
The three elements of a fulfilling marriage are Care, Commitment and Communication. Caring for the genuine and reasonable needs of by both partners and making active efforts for the fulfillment of those needs is indeed very important. Committing to solve any problems arising out of these unfulfilled needs within the marriage itself, and not going outside the marriage to fulfill these needs is the second important element. And finally the use of the master key of Communication to express those valid and reasonable needs to your partner clearly and maturely with the sole intention of working through the problem together to find a mutually fulfilling solution. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader, so you must very clearly express your genuine needs. Communication between partners often degenerates into a game of oneupmanship, blaming and attacking the self worth of the other. Care must be taken by both, to refrain from attacking the other through verbal punches, and both should strive for a win-win scenario. If both of you are unable to establish healthy communication with each other, then intervention by a good counsellor could help you establish the same by systematically training both of you in the art of genuine listening and constructive responding. There is no problem that cannot be solved if both partners, care for the other, are committed to solving it within the marriage and correctly communicate the same to each other.
Am I frigid?
I am a 26-year-old married woman with one four-year-old daughter. My husband calls me “frigid” because I do not have as much sexual desire as him and I do not find the need to have intercourse as often as him. Am I frigid?
The frequency of sexual desire varies from one person to the other. It also varies in different situations, circumstances and at different stages of our life. It is found very often the sexual desires of husband and wife do not match with each other. You simply seem to have a lower libido than your husband. Such a disparity is common and normal. That has nothing to do with you being “frigid”. Your husband probably does not know the correct meaning of the term “frigidity”. Frigidity is a complete and continuous lack of sexual desire and pleasure which is not so in your case.
- Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27. Tel: 22184528 / 9821093902. Email: hthindia@gmail.com www.hearttoheartindia.net